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Could only think of Rhyno while reading this story....lol
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili.
Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2".
Despite habanero peppers swimming their
way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a
cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't
know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta
go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing
is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would
bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning
shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before
been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle
and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simply watched as
she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses
and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about
her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course,
made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
down", if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
IT was coming, and I raced
off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the
whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion
took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat
because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
; One poor fellow walked
in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock
and Awe".
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, "Sonofabitch! ", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a
few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a
minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.
"
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up
to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the
manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next
day I went to shop at Albertson's.
I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim
they're going to have to repaint the store.
Posted : 17/10/2008 9:30 pm
The tears are running down my face, I havn't laughed that hard in along time. But my arse is still attached thank goodness heh
Thanks for posting that Stmac70
😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
Posted : 17/10/2008 10:44 pm
Topic starter
"Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife" was the advertisement !!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed.
I learned, h owever, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself aga inst a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be foun d, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taster,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A
three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BISCUIT-EATER, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the
drooling.
Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure
and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S.
My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!
'"if you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
Posted : 17/10/2008 11:18 pm
Topic starter
A cabbie picks up a Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, ''That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
TRICK OR TREAT !!??
Posted : 18/10/2008 12:18 am
Lmao those are all funny, i like the last one lol .
Posted : 18/10/2008 12:20 am
OMG I am dying here Stmac....I can barely type and everyone is staring at me LOL That 1st one just killed me and I am sharing it with my whole address book.Thanks for the laugh!
Posted : 19/10/2008 3:46 am
😆 😆 😆 Too funny!!
Posted : 19/10/2008 11:30 pm
Topic starter
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Posted : 06/11/2008 10:40 pm
Oh my gawd!! Those first two are written so descriptively that I can envision the entire episode. Sooooo hilarious. And soooo true to human behavior. We do these stupid things...no one wants to admitt it...but we do them. And damn it's funny. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
Posted : 07/11/2008 1:41 am
Topic starter
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.
'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:
'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'
'Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.
'
'Well, that is wonderful,' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.
'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'
The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.
'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.
'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....
'She's not my wife'
'She's not my wife'
'She's not my wife'
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
Posted : 24/11/2008 12:58 pm